This is the first topic for the Domme Bloggers Topic Challenge. =]
This month’s topic is Sexiness & desire: “As women, we hear a lot that to be ‘sexy’ means being desirable/desired. But if we’re doing the desiring (or even the up-against-the-wall kissing!), is there still room to feel ‘sexy’? Or maybe you think of being ‘sexy’ and being desirable as two different things? How do you like to know that your partner desires you, and how do you like to express your desire for them?”
I see being sexy and being desirable as two completely different things. I can’t speak for anyone else, but at least for me, being sexy comes from inside me; being desirable is more of an outward thing.
I went to an all girl secondary school. I’m not convinced that it’s healthy to spend that many years in a single-sex environment. It really fucked me up, negatively affecting my perception of the world and of myself. The shrill voices, the caked-on makeup, the bitchiness… I hated being among so many girls. Maybe because I was only a teenager, because I was a skinny little thing with not much going for me (or that’s what I thought!), maybe because I always felt tempted to hide from the public light except when I felt strongly about something, maybe for all those reasons I felt very much like the least sexy thing in the world. I never had trouble getting boyfriends but I wasn’t at all comfortable with who I was. I didn’t feel sexy regardless of how much makeup I wore or how short my miniskirt might be when I went out with my friends.
I was, however, desired. Funny that. It was always easy to get male attention because the boys’ school was close enough to the girls’ school that we could easily meet up with them after class. I wasn’t bullied either, because no one who’d ever try would want to do it again. So I’d meet guys easily, and they’d want me. I was desired.
Somehow in the intervening years, I came to realise that if I don’t give two shits about what other people think of me, I feel sexy. Very sexy. And it’s even easier to get whatever, or whoever, I want. With adulthood comes confidence, and of course confidence itself is sexy, but I’m not sure I’m that much more confident than I was, adjusting for teenage awkwardness. Sure, I now usually know exactly what I want, and I’m assertive enough to just go and get it, which is probably the biggest difference between the teenage me and the adult me. What’s really happened is not so much an increase in self-confidence, but a realisation that there is no reason to be scared of getting what I want, since most people will barely notice the little features and details that I might have felt insecure about in the past. What really matters is how I project myself. When it comes to relationships and sex, there’s so much slowness and inaction due to fear of failure that it seems like people simply wait for someone to take control of the situation and just take the first step. I now know that as a woman, in most cases I’m the one with the upper hand (sorry guys!), so I might as well grab my chance and take that first step. If it works it works; it nearly always does. If it doesn’t, well,there’s plenty of people out there who will fulfil me just the same. When I keep that mindset, which these days is pretty much my default mindset, I feel sexy because I feel powerful. Whether I’m wearing makeup or nice clothes is completely irrelevant. I will often wear pyjamas around the house, and messy hair, and still feel sexy because I know that I’m doing what I want, and I still have the power to get what I want.
Feeling and being desired is a different story. I’m lucky that my boy loves me, so even in a vanilla relationship I know I’d feel desired. Circumstances might change in the future, but as of today, I know I’m still desired by him. I’m even luckier that we get to play the chastity game, which causes him to want me so much that he truly worships me in every way that he can. We’ve been together for five years, and I know he craves my body more today than he did on that first illicit night. It’s hard to not feel desired when not a day goes by without some sort of worshipping gesture from him, be it sex-related or romantic. However, when it comes to the outside world, I don’t feel desired by other men if I’m in my pyjamas, with my messy hair. I feel inherently sexy enough that I’m fairly sure I could pull if I wanted to while doing my groceries, without any makeup or sexy clothes. At least I’d try! But it would be more difficult because I wouldn’t exactly feel desirable. I feel more desirable, and therefore desired, when I make an effort to wear nicer clothes and pretty hair and makeup.
In conclusion, I think being sexy and being desired are very different concepts. Being sexy arises either from some sort of self-confidence, or from a resistance to trying to please others, opting instead to do what one really wants. On the other hand, being desired most often occurs as a result of external appearance or demeanour, unless, as in my case, there’s some serious love shit going on, and possibly a chastity device too. Either way, on a personal level, both words relate to how easy it is for me to get laid. =P